I just finished the second chapter of my book, the chapter is titled Get Off (Script). In it, I describe the standard dating narrative between men and women (it goes something like – “Can I buy you a drink?”). Then I discuss why the standard narrative doesn’t work, what other options there are, which one works best, why it works best and how it looks in the real world. The chapter ends with some exercises to help you break out of the predictable and ineffective routine we are taught about men and women and sex. Below is an excerpt where we look at what other narratives there are, and I’ll reveal something that may surprise you about how you’ve been interacting with women.

What Other Narratives Are There?

Be a jerk.

There are a few ways you can deviate from the standard script. You can probably name the most popular version – be a jerk. How many times have you heard (and probably said) “Women like guys who are jerks. If I want to get a woman, I have to be a jerk.” If you scour the internet for guys discussing the best ways to pick up women, you will hear all sorts of things along these lines. Insult her to her best friend so she has to win your approval, tell her that her nose is big, or her clothes are “interesting,” or her shoes are ugly. Tell her she talks too much, or is demanding. Knock her self-esteem down and she’ll sleep with you to try to get it back. This strategy will work some of the time, with some women. But if you want to respect her, and yourself, you will find that you got a little grossed out reading those options. Good, because I’m not going to teach you how to abuse your way into her pants. That isn’t good for anyone. Only men who are petty, angry and unimaginative need to behave this way. That isn’t you, or you would be reading someone else’s book. So since we’ve established that you would prefer to be a decent human being instead of a complete tool, let’s look at the other (far superior) option.

Treat her like a human being

Ok, ok, so this sounds DECEPTIVELY simple, I know. And you probably think you already do treat women like they are human beings. But I bet that, even though you treat women humanely, you still treat them as if they are beautiful, shiny, untouchable, mysterious creatures who’s inner workings you will never understand. Guess what – that’s actually still a form of objectification. Just because an object is beautiful and sacred, doesn’t make it NOT an object. When you view women as untouchable, you are taking their humanity away. And when you do that, they are more likely to be rude and blow you off, treat you like a desperate, whiny object, than like a human being (just like we discussed earlier when we examined the standard narrative and why it doesn’t work). Makes sense, right? This isn’t actually any different than our original script. In fact, even if you are just being a good guy friend to girls, trying to listen to their problems and help them, even if you genuinely care about their feelings and their lives, if you are living as if they are out of your league, you are objectifying them. Period. This doesn’t mean you aren’t a nice guy. It just means you are a nice guy who sees women as inherently different from you. You don’t see the common human experiences between you. You don’t see that they struggle, and hurt and get insecure. You don’t see that they want to be valuable, to be brave and to make a difference. You don’t see the things you have in common as people. And you don’t see any way to relate your life experiences with hers. When you really get to the bottom of it, there are some human experiences that are universal. When you realize that, you can talk to ANYONE. I can connect with conservative politicians, polyamorous lesbians, hippies, rednecks, students, dropouts, kids, grandparents, preachers, playboys, artists, jocks, feminists, waiters, veterans, people from other countries, and native Texans. I am comfortable with who I am and the life choices I’ve made, no matter who I’m talking to. And after 2 minutes they don’t care a thing about my past. They feel a connection and they want to hang out with me more. When you learn this, women won’t be a mystery. They will be walking, breathing, shitting, scared, silly, fabulous, tearful, happy, brave, awkward people – just like you.